The following is a collection of my own thoughts, and observations of other mummy friends as we move through this journey of mummy-hood. It is in no way supposed to be ‘ist’ in any way – it may very well strike a chord with daddies too.
I’m still me… just not as shiny.
Remember your shiniest self? I do… conscientious, hard worker, ambitious, fun lover, party girl, fit, strong… not a care in the world.
Very different to the me I see staring back at me in the mirror today.
This piece is not written out of sadness… it’s an acknowledgment of change – something all humans (even the invincible ones!) struggle with. As we journey through life – the ‘me’ we thought we were changes, waxing and waning through ups and downs. We are forced to continually update our vision of ourselves and our expectations for happiness/success – as those we once held for ourselves may become irrelevant/unachievable… and new things/different things become important while things that once meant so much no longer even rate!
So… read on if you wish… and as we teach our children… please – if you have nothing nice to say please say nothing at all 🙂
Appearance; I still look like me… just not as shiny. I stare at my dark circles under my bloodshot eyes, my unwashed hair, with a few visible greys, my slumped posture- partially from exhaustion, partly from hours of breastfeeding, my saggy tummy skin, funny looking outie belly button…. cesarean scar… and I remember how shiny I use to be… I remember looking at myself and thinking how ‘alright’ I looked… I felt fit and strong… confident on my body and its abilities… I loved wearing things that highlighted the body parts that I today shudder at the sight of. The way I look just doesn’t fit into my day… there’s not the time… and I don’t have the energy to fuss over myself. There are little ones to fuss over… and that’s all there is time for if we wish to leave the house even remotely on time!
Going out; sure I still go out… but I sure as hell don’t shine like I use to!!! I remember the hours I use to spend prepping with mates before a night out… the outfit changes, make up, drinks and music before we’d make a grand entrance at whatever fine establishment we were attending around 11pm!!! 11pm !!! I now can’t think of anything worse than being awake at 11pm… let alone being awake and out!!!! On the rare occasions us mummies pretend we are still young and free and get dolled up for a night out, my thoughts are far less carefree excitement and more dread about how much more tired (if that is even possible!) I will feel tomorrow; how old I’ll look and feel in the sea of young 20 somethings filling the club; how I really can’t justify $20 for one cocktail! Not to mention by the time I’ve bathed, fed, and struggled to bed two children the last thing I want to do is squeeze into something I think I now look ridiculous in and go out… I’m exhausted… definitely not shiny.
Work; I use to pride myself by being the shiniest, hardest working gal out there! I arrived early, stayed late, and loved being commended for my good/hard work. And I was damn good at my job…. I studied hard to make my career and I worked hard to build myself a solid professional profile.
I’m still me… just not as shiny. With childcare fees we can barely even ‘afford’ for me to work… but I do … as I’ve worked hard to create myself a career, and I don’t want to give it up. But I can see how others might think I’m not the ‘shiniest’ of employees….
I arrive late after kid drop offs… usually with some sort of breakfast or toothpaste on my clothes; I’m running out the door right on time to collect the kids. I have days off due to child sickness… I can’t commit to overtime/weekends/or any projects that might be useful for career development… and honestly… I don’t want too.! I doubt my brain works like it use to! And I want to get home to my beautiful family! I miss them.
As a wife/partner; when it was just the two of us… oh how I had the time and energy to shine! Making meals, planning dates, so much together time – with nothing in the world to do but enjoy each other’s company.
I’m still me… I just don’t shine the way I use to…
Our time is now taken up child-wrangling… one with one, one with the other (shout out to families with more than 2… and my single mummy/daddy families out there! Hats off to you – you are amazing!). Play, dinner, bath, books, singing, rocking, bed, re-settle – bed again, re-settle – bed again – and again – and again – and again! By the time we finish we are both exhausted! Sometimes with enough energy left to cook our own dinner! Or sometimes we win and the kids go down easily and we have a whole evening to ourselves! Now what?
I’m sorry I’m not fun… I’m sorry I’m not spontaneous… I’m just… tired!
My mood and zest for life; I use to shine so bright in this department! Miss positivity! Do you know in my first job out of uni – one of the older gentlemen in my office called me ‘sparky’?! He said I was the brightest spark he had met in a long time… and commended the way I would “lighten” up the office with my presence.
I’m still me… just not as ‘sparky’
You know what I find lacking are my emotional energy reserves – there’s just nothing left! I think, I plan, I worry… every second… about everything! Did the kids eat a well balanced diet today? Am I letting the toddler have too much icecream? Watch too much tv? Am I stimulating the children enough? Socially? Emotionally? Intellectually? Are they wearing the appropriate clothing for the weather? Sunscreen on? What are we doing today? Tomorrow? Next week? Have a made enough meals to freeze? Are they correctly nutritionally balanced? Do we have any upcoming events? Have we bought an appropriate gift? Are we spending enough time as a couple? Fostering our relationship? Was I too negative today? Too emotionally unavailable? Do my family/friends think I’m a good enough mother/wife/daughter/daughter in law /sister/sister in law/cousin/niece? And the list goes on… and on… and on… it can’t be shut off, or turned down… I worry, I care, I want the best for my family, my marriage… so I worry!
Holidays; I remember that old holiday me from the Pre-kids era! Carefree! Fancy free! Chuck a few bikinis and glamorous maxi dresses in a case and off I went. Cocktails, sunning, dining, making new friends, walking hand on hand with my lover along the beach… well that’s definitely not how I shine these days… now I’m chasing a small human around constantly applying/re-applying sunscreen/mosquito repellant… then fretting over whether I covered every inch of their skin! And feeding a thirsty small babe every 30 minutes or so to keep up her fluids!! While I packed 3000 outfits for the kids… all i seemed to manage for myself are some unmatched shorts and old teeshirts! I now search for shade when I use to seek the sun… I peruse the children’s menu to find the most nutritious meal for the toddler rather than the cocktail menu…! The kids have a ball… and so do I… however I (and the rest of the family) return exhausted and looking not in the slightest bit rejuvenated!!!
My new shine…..
But you know what…? In amongst the dulled shine of the me I once knew… beautiful moments shine through…. a supportive phone call or message from one of my dear friends, a family member dropping by, a kiss and cuddle from my little darlings, my husband being a wonderful daddy, making the little angels giggle and squeal with delight… and i realise… it’s not that my shine has gone… it’s just I shine in different ways: it’s all about perspective! When I take the perspective of the new me… I see my new shine;
Me as a mum; as a mum I’m proud of who I am… and when I stop worrying/planning/analysing my own behaviour for 5 minutes I can see the wins… beautiful shiny moments – sticky, messy and a little bit rough toddler love, the sounds of giggles of delight from my baby! I stop and think “I must be doing ok… look how happy they are!” I also think how lucky I am to have been blessed with my babies – a blessing that doesn’t come to all. In these moments… I am thankful – I am shiny.
My relationships with friends; this shine has changed. While they used to be my partners in crime… they are now my cheer squad… my support team. Whether children of their own or not… my friends help me believe I am still that superwoman I strive to be. When I stop and think about the friends around me who love and support me… I am thankful – I am shiny.
My closeness to my mum; while my whole family (related and inherited through marriage!) are wonderful loving supporters of me and my own little family… my oh my how my relationship with my mum has strengthened. I look at my babies with overwhelming love and think ‘that’s how she feels about me’. It warms my heart and gives me a whole new appreciation for the amazing superwoman who helped make me who I am. And as a nana – wow! The way she teaches, loves, explains, cares, and sets firm boundaries for my little ones gives me even more confidence that they’re ‘gonna be alright!’. What a lovely new shine we have.
My mum body; with a positive mind set – I can look in the mirror and be thankful… grateful that my body was able to give me two beautiful babies. An amazing feat. I again remind myself just how lucky I am to have been able to create my own little family. And I smile and shine with love and gratitude. While physically I may be a little rounder/saggier/droopier… or however I see myself that day..! In my heart I know none of that matters. I am loved… I love… and I shine.
My love for my husband; parenting together changes you… while it may at times not be sexy… it is beautiful. It’s a real partnership. He has my back… and I have his. Watching him interact and play with our babies makes my love grow deeper and deeper. I think to myself – “there must be something shiny about me he still sees…”. And for that I am thankful.
So there lie my thoughts… my musings… my observations… while usually I keep them private, I felt this important to share in the hope it may allow others to realise they are not alone in their thoughts… and perhaps just give some a little encouragement to shine like the super women/men they are 🙂
Musings of a mummy 
Thank you for keeping it real and for the reminder that we all still shine, even when we feel somewhat dull!
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