The challenge of two. Something I have found relentless… and very difficult. Again I spent the first perhaps 4 months living silently in hell… looking at others around me thinking “how come they can do it so gracefully? While I’m a mess, my house is a mess, and I’m so sleep deprived I struggle to be nice?”…
but as I’ve learnt through my writing and sharing… this is not always the case… other mums are going through hell too! It’s not just me. And of course we would not change a thing. We are lucky and grateful for our children and our blessed lives… however, that doesn’t mean the struggle isn’t real…!
The struggle is VERY real… and below is me making light of the hell! Hoping other mummies and daddies relate/get a chuckle out of it. 💜
Welcome to Hell…
Tiny Dictator (TD- 2.5 year old) and Boss Baby (BB- 6 month old) are busy with Hell maintenance (ie. screaming, messing, whinging) currently, but I am one of their slaves… please come in, I’ll show you around…..
Oops please be careful! – as you can see the interior decorating has been done by TD. She prefers a ‘creative nightmare’ type feel for her house. You can see multiple toys strewn over the floor – in no real style/organised manner – just chaos… that’s how she likes it. We have experimented with other types of decorating ie. tidy-ness, things in order, toys and clothes away… however TD made it very clear very early that she has a moral dislike for cleanliness and order. So this is how it is!
Straight ahead you’ll find the kitchen – what’s that all over the walls you ask? Why it’s weetbix of course. Tiny Dictator like to do a bit of weetbix painting (against my strong recommendations) each morning. Who knows, maybe one day all this practice will result in her being a famous artist… or at least an art teacher. Already she is showing promise in this area – teaching boss baby how to fling her baby mush all over the walls.
Let me show you to your room. It’s decorated with piles and piles of washing (in fact that’s one of the activities we offer here in Hell… but we’ll get to that later). The door will remain wide open all night (you weren’t expecting any privacy were you?) for ease of access to meet the requests of TD and BB. Provided are a delightful pair of non -matching, old, probably food and vomit stained pajamas for your sleeping comfort. Your ensuite is where TD and BB bathe every evening (also an exciting activity we offer here!), so don’t dare move or put away the three thousand bath toys you see… there’s no point really, and if by chance you put something away and cannot locate it in 0.006 seconds upon request tomorrow at bath time – Hell will become even more hellish…
Entertainment… while other retreats may offer multi-interest channels – something for everyone… not us! No way! Here you can have your choice (ha! Did I say your choice? I mean TD’s choice…) of ABC kids, Moana, Frozen, or “minions”. Wondering what to pick?… oh don’t worry. TD will make it VERY clear what you are to watch by yelling it repeatedly at the top of her lungs…
Wake up calls? Of course, yes, we provide those… no need to specify a time. TD and BB take it upon themselves to provide wake up calls throughout the night (so as to suit all residents), currently you will receive a wake up call around every 2-3 hours over night. You will be required to attend the room of the caller and perform any range of tasks before you will be dismissed.
Ambience; while other retreats might offer calm and tranquility… we strive for a loud, unbearable, headache creating environment most of the time here in Hell. TD and BB are very well versed in the art of Hell ambience… so just sit back and take it in.
Activities: here in Hell we have a range of mundane, frustrating, soul destroying activities you can participate in… see below for details; oh, and you don’t get to ‘choose’ to participate in below activities. No… your participation is required, whether you like it or not.
The dinner time shuffle;
This challenge involves first spending hours planning delicious, nutritionally balanced meals for the children. Next attend the shops (with children if you like to live dangerously!) buy ingredients for ridiculously healthy, nutritionally balanced planned meal. Then cook… trying not to burn anything or forget any ingredients as you divide your attention between cooking and child monitoring.
Right… hard part over right?
Wrong: the real challenge is watching TD and BB spit out your culinary masterpiece/and proceed to throw it all over the floor – with TD screaming “yukky” “I no like it mummy”!!!… while holding back the urge to scream, cry, or throw the meal back in their faces!!! Oooh it’s a challenge not for the faint hearted this one! Then proceed to scramble through the fridge and cupboards to find something (ANYTHING!) that the child will eat. That’s the dinnertime shuffle.
Bath time;
Wear you wet weather gear to this challenge!
It’s all about position position position – you must be in just the right position to hold BB so that TD’s drowning attempts can be foiled. And practice the phrase of the hour “please! Keep the water in the bathtub”! Try to keep a level tone in your voice so as not to sound as exasperated as you really are at the complete disregard of this very simple request.
The bedtime marathon; named as such due to the marathon like stamina you need to be successful at this task…
Make sure you carb load (wine/beer/vodka)… then attempt the following steps:
- Feed and settle BB without her being woken/startled/hurt by TD’s yelling, screaming, and attempts to slap BB.
- This step is usually unsuccessful and poor BB gets put down in cot unsettled and crying while TD is tackled (metaphorically… not physically… although sometimes I wish…..!)
- Start reading one of the 30 books TD pulls from her bookcase and demands you read. (Added challenge – try to complete even one book before TD rips it out of your hands, throws it on the floor and demands a different book).
- Hear BB still crying – explain to TD that you must go to BB to settle her. See if you can get TD to remain quietly In her room while you move to step 5…..! (Ha!!! Go on… try… I dare you!)
- Enter BB’s room, apologise for her unsettled entry to bed and attempt to soothe BB. Almost calm…… BANG – the door flies open and in storms a yelling TD – throwing more books at you to read.
- Try to coax TD out of room while patting BB – still attempting to settle.
- Finally leave BB somewhat settled… spend the next hour reading, singing, cuddling, wishing a good night to TD, only to leave the room and have her promptly get out of bed to follow you…..
- This task is not complete until both children are asleep and silent for at least 30 minutes!
This is a timed event. Record your time taken to successfully complete this challenge. Then use this as a motivator to improve your time as you tackle this challenge night after night after night after night.
The great washing challenge;
Wash, hang, bring in, fold, put away.
Repeat x 3-5 rounds per day.
An added challenge is folding the mountain of washing you have just brought in, into piles to be put away while TD is around (and unless she is sleeping – ha! Never! – She’s going to be around with her sticky fingers to smear all over the clean laundry and her burning desire to kick over piles of clean folded laundry!).
But hey… keep it up… you’re gonna have to because MESS IS LIFE!
The odd sock mystery; there’s a mystery as old as time here in Hell… where do all the socks go…? It’s not full pairs that disappear… nope! Only one… of what seems like every single pair!!! Between baby socks, toddler socks and adult socks, the amount of unpaired socks will truly blow your mind! So if you don’t know what to do with your life for a few hours, I can show you to the odd sock corner of Hell and you can take the pairing sock challenge! A challenge to this day that has been mastered by no one.
The referee challenge; could also be labelled ‘the fielding challenge’… in this activity your job is to catch all objects/tiny hands and feet that come flying from the direction of TD towards BB. A 100% success rate is rare (poor BB usually cops a few) but try you must. Seem too easy… well now… I see you like a real challenge…! Ok… now attempt to continue to field objects/fists ect from BB… while carrying on with your entire day and getting all of your other desired activities done!!!
(Other desired activities include, but not limited to; going to the toilet, making a coffee, feeding BB, performing numerous household chores etc etc).
The leaving the house juggle; very few Hell patrons have ever been on time to their target destination – EVER! That, my friend is the ultimate (but fairly unachiveable) goal. I recommend starting the process at least 1 hour prior to actually needing to be in the car en route. This allows time for dressing, nappy changes, re-dressing, bag packing, re – bag packing (as TD has emptied the packed bag all over the floor while you were busy feeding BB!), shoes on (leave at least 20 mins for TD’s game of pulling her shoes and socks off once you’ve put them on, and screaming “I dooooo it” as she attempts to shove her chubby feet into the wrong shoes!), trips to the car (bags, blankets, hats, drink bottles, required toys etc etc), trip to the car with children, chase after TD as she runs off while you secure BB in her seat, and finally… again leave at least 20 mins for TD to do up her buckles herself…
The back breaker;
At least 2 times (on average) per week both TD and B.B. will decide that they absolutely cannot, even for a moment be not carried by you. This means you will spend the day with an 8kg Baby on one hip and a 16kg toddler on the other. This really is a challenge of strength and stamina. Oh and… try not to break your back in the process.
Now don’t fear… we don’t for a moment expect you to live in Hell without respite; below are some respite options for those who really want to extend themselves;
- Take on some work outside of Hell: sure! Try it. You’ll be forever late, noncommittal, void of brain power, inflexible… it’ll be great! They’ll love you!
- Have a social life: with all the energy you have left over after completing your Hell tasks – yeah! You’ll be the life of any party!!!!!
- Exercise: hahahahaha – sorry – what now?
Right… ok, I think that’s it… you’re fully briefed… oh! One very important thing to add! You will be expected to live in Hell and perform all required tasks with the added challenge of sleep deprivation… no allowances given for tiredness, and no opportunities given to rectify said tiredness.
So… that completes the tour. I’d like to formally welcome you to Hell. Wait… where are you going? Oh no… you can’t reconsider your stay! Ha! Good try… no no…! You’ll be staying here indefinitely. No foreseeable check out date.
Good luck 😉
Musings of a mummy 
This is fantastic Lia!!! So entertaining, I’m in awe of your ability to take a light hearted approach to how horrendously tired you must be. I have no kids, but I can appreciate how tough it is to wrangle two kids and virtually stop all other activities that make up a life, that made up your life Before Kids (“BK”). I have a cat and I have only a shadow of your experience occasionally (incessant cat talk that all sounds like whinging!! What do you want cat?!)… But I just can’t fathom having a cat that I can’t just lock away in another room or let him roam freely outside unwatched (he’s technically an ‘indoor’ cat, he can’t be trusted to stay in the backyard, he’s a budding escape artist so really I can’t leave him, because he’s over the fence and gone, like a stealth ninja-cat who doesn’t appreciate the love, warmth, cuddles and food he’s leaving behind! ) so I can put coffee on, hang washing, go to the bathroom, sit in silence … Parents are amazing. I am in awe of you! Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
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Aww trace 🙂
You are always so supportive and have such wise words xx
Thankyou
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Oh darling, next time I see you I’m going to give you the biggest hug.
And yes, welcome to Hell.
On the plus side, remember the giggles the smiles the games. They grow up so quickly. Personally I can’t wait til the teenage years…….. Hell take 2.
I will always love you unconditionally my lovely friend
Pru xxx
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Het jet next time I see you I really must teach you and the Bean how to meditate😆.
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Well said Lia. My two are nearly 7 and 11 and I still think I spend some time in “Hell.” I still struggle to get out on time and when my 2 were young is was more like 2.5 hours to get ready. I used to get up at 3:30am so I could start work at 7am. Crazy stuff. The only time my house is ever clean is when my girls go away to stay with family for a bit but I usually use that time to foolishly work more or try to have a social like. But you know what I wouldn’t change it for anything. I’ve had the privilege of raising these 2 amazing children and all the smiles and hugs and pure unadulterated mummy love makes up for those bleak times when I ponder how I am going to get it all done. I think I have formulated the answer which is not now….
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Thank you so much for your honesty. This is not only refreshing, it is something that resonates . We need more mums to be honest and not make us feel bad for what it’s really like to raise children. The struggle is definitely real, the sleepless nights do exist and wanting to have a moment to yourself isn’t a bad thing.
Your blog is encouraging and makes me feel like I’m not doing a bad job and someone else is going through what I am.
Thank you so very much, you have no idea just how helpful this was.
Wishing you sleep and sanity
Xxx
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