musingsofamummyblog

These are the years….

These are the years…

These are the years of sleepless nights, broken sleep, bleary eyes and exhaustion… as we cradle precious life in our arms…

These are the days spent silently crying, screaming and swearing… but putting on a brave face.

These are the nights of endless all consuming worry… about health, happiness, development, growth, nutrition, sunscreen, social and emotional adjustment… as the keys to their future rest heavily in our hands.

These are the days filled with self doubt… filled with fear that we are not good enough.

These are the nights… so long, so lonely, so dark, as we spend hours soothing, shooshing, rocking and cuddling due to teething, reflux, illness… or just because being in this world is hard.

These are the days of anger, frustration, running late and tantrums … as growing independence challenges every inch of our adult minds.

These are the nights filled with overwhelming guilt for yelling, shouting, and loosing our cool.

These are the days that are less than glamorous… full of nappy changes, accidents, and being covered head to toe in food, vomit and other bodily fluids.

These are the nights we fight… about eating vegetables, NO more ice cream, brushing teeth, reading “just one more” book and going to bed.

These are the days we negotiate… we bribe… we do just about anything just to get by.

These are the years we lose our identity… small lives become our priority, and who we once were fades into the background…

These are the years our relationship changes… from sexy and spontaneous to tired humans just trying to keep it together.

These are the years we learn what true love means… true, unconditional and all-withstanding love.

These are the years we learn to love ourselves, scars, stretch marks, grey hairs and all.

These are the years our friendships change… differences in lives lived and life choices cause some to grow distant, while others flourish and strengthen.

These are the years we learn to be patient… as learning about life is a long, slow, lifelong process.

These are the years we take responsibility… of our lives, of our families. We buy homes, run businesses, care for children, grandparents and parents…

These are the years innocence and naivety are lost… as we now truely appreciate the devastation of loss… as we experience it ourselves or in those we hold dear.

These are the years where pure joy can be brought on by a smile, a giggle, a cuddle, or an “I love you”.

These are the years we must try not to waste… in front of screens, social media and games… as real life may pass us by…

These are the years… Full of ups and downs. Full of change. Full of challenge.

They may be tough,

But they are also joyful.

Every moment within these years is a blessing.

And remember …

The years pass by so quickly…

These years will be over before we know it.

Breathe…

Be thankful…

Enjoy.

Welcome to Hell.

The challenge of two. Something I have found relentless… and very difficult. Again I spent the first perhaps 4 months living silently in hell… looking at others around me thinking “how come they can do it so gracefully? While I’m a mess, my house is a mess, and I’m so sleep deprived I struggle to be nice?”…

but as I’ve learnt through my writing and sharing… this is not always the case… other mums are going through hell too! It’s not just me. And of course we would not change a thing. We are lucky and grateful for our children and our blessed lives… however, that doesn’t mean the struggle isn’t real…!

The struggle is VERY real… and below is me making light of the hell! Hoping other mummies and daddies relate/get a chuckle out of it. 💜

Welcome to Hell…

Tiny Dictator (TD- 2.5 year old) and Boss Baby (BB- 6 month old) are busy with Hell maintenance (ie. screaming, messing, whinging) currently, but I am one of their slaves… please come in, I’ll show you around…..

Oops please be careful! – as you can see the interior decorating has been done by TD. She prefers a ‘creative nightmare’ type feel for her house. You can see multiple toys strewn over the floor – in no real style/organised manner – just chaos… that’s how she likes it. We have experimented with other types of decorating ie. tidy-ness, things in order, toys and clothes away… however TD made it very clear very early that she has a moral dislike for cleanliness and order. So this is how it is!

Straight ahead you’ll find the kitchen – what’s that all over the walls you ask? Why it’s weetbix of course. Tiny Dictator like to do a bit of weetbix painting (against my strong recommendations) each morning. Who knows, maybe one day all this practice will result in her being a famous artist… or at least an art teacher. Already she is showing promise in this area – teaching boss baby how to fling her baby mush all over the walls.

Let me show you to your room. It’s decorated with piles and piles of washing (in fact that’s one of the activities we offer here in Hell… but we’ll get to that later). The door will remain wide open all night (you weren’t expecting any privacy were you?) for ease of access to meet the requests of TD and BB. Provided are a delightful pair of non -matching, old, probably food and vomit stained pajamas for your sleeping comfort. Your ensuite is where TD and BB bathe every evening (also an exciting activity we offer here!), so don’t dare move or put away the three thousand bath toys you see… there’s no point really, and if by chance you put something away and cannot locate it in 0.006 seconds upon request tomorrow at bath time – Hell will become even more hellish…

Entertainment… while other retreats may offer multi-interest channels – something for everyone… not us! No way! Here you can have your choice (ha! Did I say your choice? I mean TD’s choice…) of ABC kids, Moana, Frozen, or “minions”. Wondering what to pick?… oh don’t worry. TD will make it VERY clear what you are to watch by yelling it repeatedly at the top of her lungs…

Wake up calls? Of course, yes, we provide those… no need to specify a time. TD and BB take it upon themselves to provide wake up calls throughout the night (so as to suit all residents), currently you will receive a wake up call around every 2-3 hours over night. You will be required to attend the room of the caller and perform any range of tasks before you will be dismissed.

Ambience; while other retreats might offer calm and tranquility… we strive for a loud, unbearable, headache creating environment most of the time here in Hell. TD and BB are very well versed in the art of Hell ambience… so just sit back and take it in.

Activities: here in Hell we have a range of mundane, frustrating, soul destroying activities you can participate in… see below for details; oh, and you don’t get to ‘choose’ to participate in below activities. No… your participation is required, whether you like it or not.

The dinner time shuffle;

This challenge involves first spending hours planning delicious, nutritionally balanced meals for the children. Next attend the shops (with children if you like to live dangerously!) buy ingredients for ridiculously healthy, nutritionally balanced planned meal. Then cook… trying not to burn anything or forget any ingredients as you divide your attention between cooking and child monitoring.

Right… hard part over right?

Wrong: the real challenge is watching TD and BB spit out your culinary masterpiece/and proceed to throw it all over the floor – with TD screaming “yukky” “I no like it mummy”!!!… while holding back the urge to scream, cry, or throw the meal back in their faces!!! Oooh it’s a challenge not for the faint hearted this one! Then proceed to scramble through the fridge and cupboards to find something (ANYTHING!) that the child will eat. That’s the dinnertime shuffle.

Bath time;

Wear you wet weather gear to this challenge!

It’s all about position position position – you must be in just the right position to hold BB so that TD’s drowning attempts can be foiled. And practice the phrase of the hour “please! Keep the water in the bathtub”! Try to keep a level tone in your voice so as not to sound as exasperated as you really are at the complete disregard of this very simple request.

The bedtime marathon; named as such due to the marathon like stamina you need to be successful at this task…

Make sure you carb load (wine/beer/vodka)… then attempt the following steps:

Feed and settle BB without her being woken/startled/hurt by TD’s yelling, screaming, and attempts to slap BB.
This step is usually unsuccessful and poor BB gets put down in cot unsettled and crying while TD is tackled (metaphorically… not physically… although sometimes I wish…..!)
Start reading one of the 30 books TD pulls from her bookcase and demands you read. (Added challenge – try to complete even one book before TD rips it out of your hands, throws it on the floor and demands a different book).
Hear BB still crying – explain to TD that you must go to BB to settle her. See if you can get TD to remain quietly In her room while you move to step 5…..! (Ha!!! Go on… try… I dare you!)
Enter BB’s room, apologise for her unsettled entry to bed and attempt to soothe BB. Almost calm…… BANG – the door flies open and in storms a yelling TD – throwing more books at you to read.
Try to coax TD out of room while patting BB – still attempting to settle.
Finally leave BB somewhat settled… spend the next hour reading, singing, cuddling, wishing a good night to TD, only to leave the room and have her promptly get out of bed to follow you…..
This task is not complete until both children are asleep and silent for at least 30 minutes!

This is a timed event. Record your time taken to successfully complete this challenge. Then use this as a motivator to improve your time as you tackle this challenge night after night after night after night.

The great washing challenge;

Wash, hang, bring in, fold, put away.

Repeat x 3-5 rounds per day.

An added challenge is folding the mountain of washing you have just brought in, into piles to be put away while TD is around (and unless she is sleeping – ha! Never! – She’s going to be around with her sticky fingers to smear all over the clean laundry and her burning desire to kick over piles of clean folded laundry!).

But hey… keep it up… you’re gonna have to because MESS IS LIFE!

The odd sock mystery; there’s a mystery as old as time here in Hell… where do all the socks go…? It’s not full pairs that disappear… nope! Only one… of what seems like every single pair!!! Between baby socks, toddler socks and adult socks, the amount of unpaired socks will truly blow your mind! So if you don’t know what to do with your life for a few hours, I can show you to the odd sock corner of Hell and you can take the pairing sock challenge! A challenge to this day that has been mastered by no one.

The referee challenge; could also be labelled ‘the fielding challenge’… in this activity your job is to catch all objects/tiny hands and feet that come flying from the direction of TD towards BB. A 100% success rate is rare (poor BB usually cops a few) but try you must. Seem too easy… well now… I see you like a real challenge…! Ok… now attempt to continue to field objects/fists ect from BB… while carrying on with your entire day and getting all of your other desired activities done!!!

(Other desired activities include, but not limited to; going to the toilet, making a coffee, feeding BB, performing numerous household chores etc etc).

The leaving the house juggle; very few Hell patrons have ever been on time to their target destination – EVER! That, my friend is the ultimate (but fairly unachiveable) goal. I recommend starting the process at least 1 hour prior to actually needing to be in the car en route. This allows time for dressing, nappy changes, re-dressing, bag packing, re – bag packing (as TD has emptied the packed bag all over the floor while you were busy feeding BB!), shoes on (leave at least 20 mins for TD’s game of pulling her shoes and socks off once you’ve put them on, and screaming “I dooooo it” as she attempts to shove her chubby feet into the wrong shoes!), trips to the car (bags, blankets, hats, drink bottles, required toys etc etc), trip to the car with children, chase after TD as she runs off while you secure BB in her seat, and finally… again leave at least 20 mins for TD to do up her buckles herself…

The back breaker;

At least 2 times (on average) per week both TD and B.B. will decide that they absolutely cannot, even for a moment be not carried by you. This means you will spend the day with an 8kg Baby on one hip and a 16kg toddler on the other. This really is a challenge of strength and stamina. Oh and… try not to break your back in the process.

Now don’t fear… we don’t for a moment expect you to live in Hell without respite; below are some respite options for those who really want to extend themselves;

Take on some work outside of Hell: sure! Try it. You’ll be forever late, noncommittal, void of brain power, inflexible… it’ll be great! They’ll love you!
Have a social life: with all the energy you have left over after completing your Hell tasks – yeah! You’ll be the life of any party!!!!!
Exercise: hahahahaha – sorry – what now?

Right… ok, I think that’s it… you’re fully briefed… oh! One very important thing to add! You will be expected to live in Hell and perform all required tasks with the added challenge of sleep deprivation… no allowances given for tiredness, and no opportunities given to rectify said tiredness.

So… that completes the tour. I’d like to formally welcome you to Hell. Wait… where are you going? Oh no… you can’t reconsider your stay! Ha! Good try… no no…! You’ll be staying here indefinitely. No foreseeable check out date.

Good luck 😉

It’s ok to not be ok…

In acknowledgment of RUok day this week… this piece discusses being ok, not being ok, and most importantly… talking about it 🙂

Today I feel sad…

Why? For me (as for us all…) there are a million reasons… but let’s use the above picture as an example of a “sad” day!!!

Three months ago…. I had a 4 week old baby… a horrendously behaved toddler, who was NOT taking well to there being a new baby in the house! My husband had just worked a week of night shift (leaving him terribly tired and me to attempt the night-time routine with newborn and said horrendous tornado toddler alone!)… I had mastitis… and then, to top it off…

I FELL DOWN THE STAIRS… yes I was holding the baby, no she was not harmed and in fact remained asleep throughout the whole ordeal. I fractured my foot in three places, and was in a boot and pretty much confined to the house (with newborn and horrendous tornado toddler) for 7 weeks!

I was really freakin sad! I seriously felt I wasn’t coping… I wanted to scream and cry and run away to a magical place where I could lay in the sun and drink cocktails, or maybe just sleep, all at the same time!!!

UGH ! Other ‘unspoken’ states of feeling for me include;

Today I feel helpless…

I feel helpless because terrible things happen to people I love… and I can’t fix it… I feel their pain. I want to make it better… and I can’t. The world just isn’t fair….

Today I feel angry…

the tornado toddler has NOT STOPPED SCREAMING!
* insert a million other things the tornado toddler does throughout the day that seriously make me loose my SHIIIIIIT!!!

Today I feel like a failure…

I yelled at said tornado toddler
The house actually looks like it’s been ransacked in a robbery!
I didn’t exercise
I ate 3 blocks of chocolate!

We all have these days right?

And when we do… I don’t know about you… but I know I judge myself pretty negatively for these moments of “weakness”. I hide them from the world… these unspoken negative emotions… But are they really moments of weakness? Should they really remain unspoken? Or are days like this actually an essential part of the human experience?

If you asked most people what a ‘psychologically healthy’ person looks like, I think most people would have an image of a person who seems to ‘have it all together’, is happy, stable, and doesn’t struggle with things like “I” do! When in fact…. humans were made to feel a full range of feelings/emotions in response to the many challenges we face in our environments. We were made not only to feel joy, we were also made to struggle. Actually the most psychologically healthy people among us are the ones ‘feeling’ and experiencing emotions as they were meant to be felt! Yep… that’s right… they are the ones crying when things are sad, getting angry when something makes them mad, feeling like failures when life gets too much! These are psychologically healthy people …! There is an added essential ingredient however…. a lack of negative judgement attached to these ‘feelings’. Psychologically healthy people are the ones allowing themselves to feel – without the added negative judgement of “I’m weak”, “I’m hopeless”, “I’m a terrible mother”… etc etc etc

Taking away this judgement we place upon ourselves, this fear of being judged negatively by others for voicing our struggles, gives us the ability to open ourselves up and share the human experience. It allows us to reach out to our supports for just that… support!

Once supported… we can then offer support – And as supporters… our job is just to listen… that’s all. We don’t need to ‘fix’ the problem… just listen. Allow the brave soul who is admitting that even though they are superman/superwoman… they too are struggling… to be heard.

Ask “are you ok?”

Answer – honestly…

Communication holds great power… the power to make us feel ‘normal’ – as we discuss our own struggles and we encourage others to discuss theirs… we realise we are not alone.

Talk about your struggles…

Celebrate your joys….

Feel sad today… acknowledge that you feel sad and let it be… talk, write, sing, draw (lock yourself in the bathroom and scream/cry!) – communicate and express your feelings however is right for you – then tomorrow – strive to be happy.

Talk about your struggles…

Celebrate your joys….

These musings for me are a part of my new found ‘ok-ness’ with sharing my struggles, being vulnerable, asking for help…

And still being DAMN fabulous!!! My hope is that my sharing empowers others to speak openly and without judgement about their own struggles – that this allows the struggles to seem ‘lighter’, more manageable… and therefore leaves more room to enjoy the days that are pretty well perfect… you know… those days when the sun shines, the children behave, the magical cleaning fairy cleans your house, and in your cupboard you find a block of chocolate and a bottle of wine that NEVER RUN OUT!!! 🤣💜

Ha!!

Let this post inspire you to ask others about their mental health… and share with others tales of your own mental health – we are stronger together 💪🏼

To end with a quote from a poem that is close to my heart;

“With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.”

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

I’m still me… just not as shiny.

The following is a collection of my own thoughts, and observations of other mummy friends as we move through this journey of mummy-hood. It is in no way supposed to be ‘ist’ in any way – it may very well strike a chord with daddies too.

I’m still me… just not as shiny.

Remember your shiniest self? I do… conscientious, hard worker, ambitious, fun lover, party girl, fit, strong… not a care in the world.
Very different to the me I see staring back at me in the mirror today.
This piece is not written out of sadness… it’s an acknowledgment of change – something all humans (even the invincible ones!) struggle with. As we journey through life – the ‘me’ we thought we were changes, waxing and waning through ups and downs. We are forced to continually update our vision of ourselves and our expectations for happiness/success – as those we once held for ourselves may become irrelevant/unachievable… and new things/different things become important while things that once meant so much no longer even rate!
So… read on if you wish… and as we teach our children… please – if you have nothing nice to say please say nothing at all 🙂
Appearance; I still look like me… just not as shiny. I stare at my dark circles under my bloodshot eyes, my unwashed hair, with a few visible greys, my slumped posture- partially from exhaustion, partly from hours of breastfeeding, my saggy tummy skin, funny looking outie belly button…. cesarean scar… and I remember how shiny I use to be… I remember looking at myself and thinking how ‘alright’ I looked… I felt fit and strong… confident on my body and its abilities… I loved wearing things that highlighted the body parts that I today shudder at the sight of. The way I look just doesn’t fit into my day… there’s not the time… and I don’t have the energy to fuss over myself. There are little ones to fuss over… and that’s all there is time for if we wish to leave the house even remotely on time!
Going out; sure I still go out… but I sure as hell don’t shine like I use to!!! I remember the hours I use to spend prepping with mates before a night out… the outfit changes, make up, drinks and music before we’d make a grand entrance at whatever fine establishment we were attending around 11pm!!! 11pm !!! I now can’t think of anything worse than being awake at 11pm… let alone being awake and out!!!! On the rare occasions us mummies pretend we are still young and free and get dolled up for a night out, my thoughts are far less carefree excitement and more dread about how much more tired (if that is even possible!) I will feel tomorrow; how old I’ll look and feel in the sea of young 20 somethings filling the club; how I really can’t justify $20 for one cocktail! Not to mention by the time I’ve bathed, fed, and struggled to bed two children the last thing I want to do is squeeze into something I think I now look ridiculous in and go out… I’m exhausted… definitely not shiny.
Work; I use to pride myself by being the shiniest, hardest working gal out there! I arrived early, stayed late, and loved being commended for my good/hard work. And I was damn good at my job…. I studied hard to make my career and I worked hard to build myself a solid professional profile.
I’m still me… just not as shiny. With childcare fees we can barely even ‘afford’ for me to work… but I do … as I’ve worked hard to create myself a career, and I don’t want to give it up. But I can see how others might think I’m not the ‘shiniest’ of employees….
I arrive late after kid drop offs… usually with some sort of breakfast or toothpaste on my clothes; I’m running out the door right on time to collect the kids. I have days off due to child sickness… I can’t commit to overtime/weekends/or any projects that might be useful for career development… and honestly… I don’t want too.! I doubt my brain works like it use to! And I want to get home to my beautiful family! I miss them.
As a wife/partner; when it was just the two of us… oh how I had the time and energy to shine! Making meals, planning dates, so much together time – with nothing in the world to do but enjoy each other’s company.
I’m still me… I just don’t shine the way I use to…
Our time is now taken up child-wrangling… one with one, one with the other (shout out to families with more than 2… and my single mummy/daddy families out there! Hats off to you – you are amazing!). Play, dinner, bath, books, singing, rocking, bed, re-settle – bed again, re-settle – bed again – and again – and again – and again! By the time we finish we are both exhausted! Sometimes with enough energy left to cook our own dinner! Or sometimes we win and the kids go down easily and we have a whole evening to ourselves! Now what?
I’m sorry I’m not fun… I’m sorry I’m not spontaneous… I’m just… tired!
My mood and zest for life; I use to shine so bright in this department! Miss positivity! Do you know in my first job out of uni – one of the older gentlemen in my office called me ‘sparky’?! He said I was the brightest spark he had met in a long time… and commended the way I would “lighten” up the office with my presence.
I’m still me… just not as ‘sparky’
You know what I find lacking are my emotional energy reserves – there’s just nothing left! I think, I plan, I worry… every second… about everything! Did the kids eat a well balanced diet today? Am I letting the toddler have too much icecream? Watch too much tv? Am I stimulating the children enough? Socially? Emotionally? Intellectually? Are they wearing the appropriate clothing for the weather? Sunscreen on? What are we doing today? Tomorrow? Next week? Have a made enough meals to freeze? Are they correctly nutritionally balanced? Do we have any upcoming events? Have we bought an appropriate gift? Are we spending enough time as a couple? Fostering our relationship? Was I too negative today? Too emotionally unavailable? Do my family/friends think I’m a good enough mother/wife/daughter/daughter in law /sister/sister in law/cousin/niece? And the list goes on… and on… and on… it can’t be shut off, or turned down… I worry, I care, I want the best for my family, my marriage… so I worry!
Holidays; I remember that old holiday me from the Pre-kids era! Carefree! Fancy free! Chuck a few bikinis and glamorous maxi dresses in a case and off I went. Cocktails, sunning, dining, making new friends, walking hand on hand with my lover along the beach… well that’s definitely not how I shine these days… now I’m chasing a small human around constantly applying/re-applying sunscreen/mosquito repellant… then fretting over whether I covered every inch of their skin! And feeding a thirsty small babe every 30 minutes or so to keep up her fluids!! While I packed 3000 outfits for the kids… all i seemed to manage for myself are some unmatched shorts and old teeshirts! I now search for shade when I use to seek the sun… I peruse the children’s menu to find the most nutritious meal for the toddler rather than the cocktail menu…! The kids have a ball… and so do I… however I (and the rest of the family) return exhausted and looking not in the slightest bit rejuvenated!!!

My new shine…..
But you know what…? In amongst the dulled shine of the me I once knew… beautiful moments shine through…. a supportive phone call or message from one of my dear friends, a family member dropping by, a kiss and cuddle from my little darlings, my husband being a wonderful daddy, making the little angels giggle and squeal with delight… and i realise… it’s not that my shine has gone… it’s just I shine in different ways: it’s all about perspective! When I take the perspective of the new me… I see my new shine;
Me as a mum; as a mum I’m proud of who I am… and when I stop worrying/planning/analysing my own behaviour for 5 minutes I can see the wins… beautiful shiny moments – sticky, messy and a little bit rough toddler love, the sounds of giggles of delight from my baby! I stop and think “I must be doing ok… look how happy they are!” I also think how lucky I am to have been blessed with my babies – a blessing that doesn’t come to all. In these moments… I am thankful – I am shiny.
My relationships with friends; this shine has changed. While they used to be my partners in crime… they are now my cheer squad… my support team. Whether children of their own or not… my friends help me believe I am still that superwoman I strive to be. When I stop and think about the friends around me who love and support me… I am thankful – I am shiny.
My closeness to my mum; while my whole family (related and inherited through marriage!) are wonderful loving supporters of me and my own little family… my oh my how my relationship with my mum has strengthened. I look at my babies with overwhelming love and think ‘that’s how she feels about me’. It warms my heart and gives me a whole new appreciation for the amazing superwoman who helped make me who I am. And as a nana – wow! The way she teaches, loves, explains, cares, and sets firm boundaries for my little ones gives me even more confidence that they’re ‘gonna be alright!’. What a lovely new shine we have.
My mum body; with a positive mind set – I can look in the mirror and be thankful… grateful that my body was able to give me two beautiful babies. An amazing feat. I again remind myself just how lucky I am to have been able to create my own little family. And I smile and shine with love and gratitude. While physically I may be a little rounder/saggier/droopier… or however I see myself that day..! In my heart I know none of that matters. I am loved… I love… and I shine.
My love for my husband; parenting together changes you… while it may at times not be sexy… it is beautiful. It’s a real partnership. He has my back… and I have his. Watching him interact and play with our babies makes my love grow deeper and deeper. I think to myself – “there must be something shiny about me he still sees…”. And for that I am thankful.
So there lie my thoughts… my musings… my observations… while usually I keep them private, I felt this important to share in the hope it may allow others to realise they are not alone in their thoughts… and perhaps just give some a little encouragement to shine like the super women/men they are 🙂